ISSN: 1530-5775
February 2012, Vol.14 #2
from Georgia Jones
How Does Your Garden Grow
from David Donar
Was it good or bad?
Parenting Issues with Molly Koch
Self Worth, Self Esteem and Confidence
from another legacy poet
from Richard Kuhns
Not For Sale - End Human Trafficing
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Our guest columnist this month is Barbara Berger, author of Fast Food for the Souland other books.
It is truly liberating to realize that there is no connection between an event and your reaction to the event. No connection whatsoever. Most people are so identified with their thoughts that they believe the emotions they experience when something happens means that the emotion is inherent in the event itself. So they think for example that death is sad, illness is terrible, and that divorce is tragic. But death is only death, illness is only illness, and divorce is only divorce. There is no emotion inherent in any of these events. The emotion is something we attach to the event and it arises as a result of our interpretation of the event. This emotion is not inherent in the event but is always the result of our opinion or interpretation of what's happening. In reality, death could turn out to be the greatest adventure of all, illness could be the most transformational experience in our entire life, and - trust me on this one - divorce may be the greatest liberation (at least that was my experience)! You can test this for yourself. Take an event and then watch how differently people react to the event. Let's take the volcanic ash from the Island volcano in April 2010 that caused airports to close down all over Europe for many days. Was this a blessing or a curse? Well from the reports I've heard, it all depended on who you are and where you were. In other words, it all depended on your story, on your interpretation of the event and not on the event itself. So for many people it was a hassle because they were stranded for days at airports. But for others, it was a wonderful blessing, an unexpected gift! I personally know of three concrete examples of friends who just loved the volcanic ash. One was the couple from London who was visiting my youngest son and his family in San Francisco. They could not fly back to London after 10 days as planned so they had an extended vacation and the airlines paid! Another was a friend who was on holiday in Egypt - he said he got five extra days at a 5-star hotel and even though his boss wasn't happy, there was nothing anyone could do about it! And the third was a woman I know who lives in Oregon who was visiting her dying sister in Uppsala, Sweden - and since she couldn't fly home she got to be with her beloved sister right up to the end. So was it good or bad? Only a thought in your mind So we discover that all our experiences are just thoughts in our minds. When we resist what is by telling ourselves that things shouldn't be the way they are, we make ourselves feel bad. That's really all there is to it. Events both inner and outer are just that-they are events. But it is our interpretations of these inner and outer events that make us feel good or bad, happy or sad. Most of us are unaware that we are doing this when things happen. We don't realize that something happens and then we immediately click into our interpretations of events or our stories, which are often dire predictions based on past conditioning and beliefs about life that we've never questioned. And that's where the fight with reality begins-and all the anguish that goes with it.
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Teach Grace on the Receiving End, Too Here we are in the month of February and, thanks to Valentine's Day, our thoughts turn to love. So we scurry about, buying cards, flowers, trinkets, and chocolates to let those we love know how we feel about them. And everyone gets into the act. Little children give valentines to their classmates and teachers. Husbands and wives exchange them. Mothers, fathers, children, friends, neighbors, grandparents, the mailman, and even the family cat get a card. Okay, so it's a little commercial—but we have to let them know, don't we? We need a concrete way to express our feelings. Trinkets and chocolates speak for us. They say: “I appreciate and love you and I want to please you. I want to make you happy. ”I have found, however, an all-too frequent glitch in the matter of giving and receiving gifts. Some people find it hard to give, and other people find it hard to receive. This appears to be especially true when it comes to verbal gifts of compliment or praise. From my point of view, people who never, or hardly ever, give the gift of praise deny themselves and others the pleasure of those special moments that strengthen relationships. It's like the glue that holds us close to one another. We all need affirmation from time to time, a pat on the back for a job well done, or simply the recognition of and appreciation for who we are. What happens then when we find we're talking to a person who can't take a compliment? No sooner are the words out of our mouths, we hear the reply, "Oh, no I'm not." And our well-meant "gift" is returned, unopened. Often we are told the height of the generous spirit is to give to others, but how often do we hear anything about receiving with a charitable spirit? How do we teach children to accept praise graciously? How do they learn the words to express their appreciation for praise? You guessed it: They learn by observing how their parents handle praise and by hearing the words their parents use. When you teach your children good manners, let them know that it is not only polite to say "thank you" when receiving a gift. That even when a gift is not exactly what they had hoped for, it is a gift nonetheless, and it was given in a generous spirit, and it needs to be acknowledged in like manner. Model the words you'd like to hear from your children: "Thank you so much for thinking of me." And, if you say these words to your children as often as you can when they show little kindnesses to you, in time it will become second nature for them to respond as you do. Now…a word about excessive praise: Some parents believe that the more they praise their children, the more self-esteem their children will have. But it doesn't necessarily work that way. A child who feels unworthy does not believe the praise he or she is offered. Besides, excessive praise can backfire. A child who is told that he or she is the smartest, most beautiful child in the world may feel pressured to live up to such high standards and could feel defeated from the start. Or he or she may come to believe that he or she is superior in all ways, which would put him or her in a class of one on the social scale—a lonely place to be. Praise needs to be authentic and it needs to focus on the child's effort, not the child. A comment such as, "You did a fine job" is far more effective and genuine than a platitude such as, "You are so wonderful, amazing, and marvelous." When opportunities arise to comment on a child's character, he or she would love to hear, "I very much admire your honesty, or courage, or helpfulness, or the way you handled yourself in a difficult situation." Children take seriously this kind of honest assessment of their character. It helps them realize and value their own strengths and abilities. And, if by your example, they are accustomed to giving back, the next time you praise them, you might hear, "Thanks so much, Mom/Dad, for thinking of me that way." Molly Koch is reprinted here with permission from Baltimore's Child Magazine. You can also find Molly at mollybkoch.com and keeptheconnection.org. Contact Molly with questions, comments or suggestions for this topic. |
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As you put into play your personal improvement plan you might want to know what is the difference is between self worth and self esteem? Answer: They are basically the same. With self esteem you experience a sense of worthiness. And with a sense of worthiness you experience self esteem. But in either case, it doesn't mean that you are confident or have confidence. In fact confident people may have no self worth or esteem and how to build or improve self worth for them is a big issue and question. Yet, those with a high level of self worth may or may not know how to have self confidence and it isn't a big issue. It's important to know the difference in implementing your personal growth and personal change plan. Let me explain! A fellow may have lots of confidence when it comes to meeting members of the opposite sex. Yet, he may not feel good about himself and have no self worth or very little self esteem. Another example, a fellow or gal may have lots of confidence when it comes to performing their jobs any yet have no self worth or esteem; and a scientist may be very confident in approaching and solving a research problem yet have no self worth. Confidence is something one gets from successfully completing a task time and time again. You can say he/she is an expert at whatever they do and yet they may have no self worth or esteem and no matter how big their accomplishments are they have little idea of how to build or improve self worth. On the other hand, a person with a high degree of self worth or self esteem may have little if any confidence. And guess what? It doesn't matter. He/she likes his/her self regardless of the outcome of any endeavors. And since confidence is something that is learned from practice, the person with self esteem can develop confidence in anything he/she desires or not. If he/she develops confidence in a desired endeavor, that's great. If he/she doesn't know how to have self confidence in any endeavor, he/she may be disappointed and yet still like him/her self. He/she simply adjusts his/her life plan accordingly. Whereas the person with confidence the result is entirely different. If he/she should happen to fail in an endeavor, he/she usually sufferers from self put-downs. To recap. The person who knows how to build and improve self worth never puts him/her self down. Nor does he/she demean him/her self. Nor does he/she blame others for his/her short comings. No self flagellation either whereas the person who may be confident but have no self worth or esteem will demean self, put self down, and blame others for his/her short comings. Which would you rather be? The irony is that the person who has confidence but no self worth or esteem doesn't appreciate his/her talents or abilities. Or they may have an inflated ego that is paper thin. The first goal in your personal change and personal growth plan is to learn how to improve and build self worth followed by learning how to have self confidence. Doing it in this order makes the most sense for your personal improvement plan. But be wary! Every program I've read about on how to improve or build self worth can actually contribute to a life crisis. I would say our society is in a self esteem crisis promulgated by how we chose to improve our self worth. Read them all. They will encourage you to dress better, acquire more education, develop skills, be successful at little things and then build on that to be successful at larger goals. Yes, they all encourage you to establish and fulfill goals. Tony Robins, incredibly successful motivation coach, builds his programs on goal setting. Of course there is nothing wrong with setting and achieving goals in any personal improvement plan. Nothing at all. The important thing is to avoid having your personal growth and personal change goals in how to build or improve self worth be dependent on any of the goals. Achieve goals for the fun of it--not to improve or build self worth. For if your self worth is dependent on your developed talents, relationships, educational achievements, professional achievements, accumulated wealth, and so on, when and if any of those things are threatened, so is your self worth and that is why our society is in a self worth crisis. Ask yourself, why should your self worth be affected if you lose a physical skill, or if you age and your looks change, or if you make a bad investment, or if you lose your job, or if you lose your beloved spouse or God forbid a child, and so on? If you build your self worth correctly, it can never be threatened. Does that make sense?
Richard Kuhns. NGH certified has self help mp3 downloads for personal change and personal growth at http://www.DstressDoc.com find a sense of self worth at http://www.SelfEsteemCure.com and SelfEsteemCure.com for weight loss.
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Read this feature from past issues.
Barbara Berger is the internationally known, best-selling author of Fast Food for the Soul (published in 30 languages), Are You Happy Now? and The Awakening Human Being - A Guide to the Power of Mind which was just released in the US and the UK. The book can be ordered on Amazon.com. Find out more about 
The Scale Conspiracy