The Feminine Heart

Dear family and close friends:

I have been back from Peru two months now, and have hardly shared my journey with anyone. It is not easy to find the words to describe something so fulfilling, challenging, and provocative. It took me three weeks to recover from the journey, expressed by feelings of withdrawal, fatigue and nightly dreams in full blown technicolor of Peru. I feel a bit different now, more centered, quieter, resolute. The child of the universe who had awakened in me before, is now here to stay. I am uncertain as to how this translates into my world or yours.

Peru was visually enriching and profoundly challenging and rewarding. Each rock or mountain held for me a message and a face. I was touched on all levels of my being, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

You may also listen to my webcast shows, the one before the journey of Feb. 6, 2010 and the two more recent ones with Jo Mooy and Lisa Niederman. My webcast is called the Butterfly Effect.

My recollections and interpretations may be too "woo-woo" for some you to accept but I am compelled to share them with you, my family and friends anyway. This is my journey, my interpretation and marks important and memorable events in my life. The passion of it has now become my muse.

My reason for going on this auspicious trip to Peru was to attend and participate in the Solar Disk reactivation atop the Island of Amantani in the middle of Lake Titicaca on Feb. 14, 2010. Incan legend speaks of the time during the 10th Pachacuti, when world affairs would be turned upside down, and the disk hidden in Lake Titicaca would rise and reactivate, opening the feminine heart energy of un-conditional love to spread and expand throughout planet Earth.

Lake Titicaca is considered by many to be the gateway for the feminine energy on the planet. There are ley lines there that extend directly to the Himalaya Mountain, the purported gateway of the masculine energy on planet Earth. How auspicious!

Lake Titicaca is the highest body of water on the planet sitting at 12,500 ft above sea level. Being there on Feb. 14, 2010 was much like being at ground zero. Every fear, limitation and emotion was going to intensify along with feelings of inspiration, hope, determination, empowerment, joy and love. Some believe that those of us who were there, were there 500 years ago. That we had returned to have this experience and to do our work, holding this energy.

When one goes to Peru it is best to let go of all expectations, as well as one's own customs and habits. Peru has its own flow and sequence, and alignment with that flow brings forth mystical opportunities. The intensity of ones desires are met by the ancient wisdom spirits of the mountains, the Apus. These powerful energies exist and manifest in different ways whether we believe in them or not. Whatever your persuasion, you will be touched in extraordinary ways. It brings a unique and personal experience for each person.

Awakening is not only possible, it is probable.

For the Solar Disk Activation about 250 people or more, traveled by boat, (18 on ours,) for an hour and a half to the Island of Amantani. There, two by two, we would overnight with host families, who lived half way up the mile or so mountain. We are talking altitude upwards of 12, 500 ft. to 13,000 feet. (Puff, puff.)

The island has a population of about 5000 people. They are mostly farmers, shepherds and fisherman, paisanos, who live off the land as their ancestors have centuries before them. They live in adobe homes fabricated of bricks fashioned from mud and straw. On the side of Amantani that we were on, there is a recently installed aqueduct from which water could be fetched. Most homes had one line with a light bulb. There is no source of heat in these adobe homes, but they seem to hold the heat once the windows and doors were closed. I was surprised! The nights were brusque and we buried ourselves under heavy wool blankets, flattening our feet with their weight! We remained warm. The bathroom was an out house, out by the sheep's pen.

Our family, Sonia (age 30) and Laurentz (age 31) had two young school age sons. None of them had ever been off the island. The food they fed us was simple. Mostly soup made of a variety of fresh grown potatoes, corn and lima beans. I speak broken Spanish so we were able to converse a bit. They never ate meat, not even fish. When they spoke to one another they spoke almost in a whisper. Even their boys were quiet. You could hear them giggling quietly in the room next door. I felt honored to be in their presence of these people.

We were to begin our hike on February 14 at 7:30am in order to arrive at the top by 10:30am. Ceremonies would start at 11am. Huge downpours with thunder and lightning had started in the early hours of the morning and continued to release their fury as we ate breakfast and wondered if the ceremonies would even take place. Not surprising, by 7:35am, the rains subsided, and though misty we started our morning climb.

Atop of Amantani there are two temples, one to the Earth Mother, Pacha Mama and the other, to the Sun Father, Pacha Tata. They rise up above the Island like two breasts, separated by a valley referred to as the "heart."

My group was heading up to Pacha Tata. The climb was rough. I felt every muscle and breath of my age. I was carrying a knap sack with my sacred, Native American medicine pipe in it, to pray with during the ceremony atop the mountain. I had a special prayer and song to do with the pipe, a calling in of the Grandmothers, a ceremony gifted to me shortly before my journey to Peru by one of my teachers, a bear tribe medicine woman and teacher named, Wind Daughter who came to Florida for a visit.

This pipe bundle was heavy. As I struggled, a younger woman from our group, Jean, relieved me of my burden and carried that pipe a good distance up the mountain. I am so grateful for her assistance. When she could carry it no longer, a young man sprinted forward and took the bundle from her and carried it the rest of the way up the mountain. This same young man ran fleet footed with a message from the top of our Pacha Tata to the top of Pacha Mama and back. We later learned that he was a young shaman in training, son of a Bolivian shaman.

Shaman, ayahuasqueros, chacarunas, medicine men, indigenous elders from the Americas gathered atop of Amantani and began to create a center altar with our sacred objects.

Around ll:00 am we all joined hands in a huge circle around a center altar. We all wore white. The many shaman wore their colorful ceremonial garbs. The sun had come out and the clouds had vanished. We felt within each of us a gleefulness, an elation hard to express. Perhaps it was the feeling of having succeeded in spite of our weak and challenged bodies, to reach the top of the mountain. In retrospect it seemed not nearly as hard a climb as we had thought it would be. It was as though some strong force had picked us up and inspired us onward. Surely it was our determination. There was a fellow among us who had two very bad knees. I thought he would never make it to the top and yet he climbed that mountain and seemed more in bliss than in any kind of pain. He was inspiring and for me remains a hero.

As we stood in the circle hand in hand we became aware that the sun had grown more radiant. A rainbow colored ring had formed around the sun, like a circle within a circle. And within that circle another rainbow ring had formed covering the circumference of the sky above us, too big to catch with a camera. We stood there holding hands feeling this tremendous blessing in the sky above us; this heat radiating within our solar plexus. And as we stood there, paisanos from all directions, dressed in their finest regalia reached the summit and filed one by one into our circle, joining hands with us. They did this on the Pacha Mama too, I l would later find out. What a beautiful sight!

This little old man, about 3 ft tall, with dark wrinkles and small leathery hands took my hand in the circle. His eyes sparkled and his brown toothed grin was large and endearing. I thought about how he looked like some of the little people who help me in my shamanic work, and wondered if he recognized me, as I seemed so comfortable with him. The ceremony went on, with prayers, chants, whistles, bells, calls asking us to hold open our hearts and greet the energy of the Sun and the great Sun Source, behind the sun. The light of that moment still reflects within me today. The wind blew lightly and clouds reappeared spotting the midday sky.

We looked up and the outer rainbow had vanished. The inner one now was filled at its perimeter with thick clouds which backed by a radiant sun, looked very much like a solid golden solar disk, right there above our heads. Wow!

An aside, amidst all this spiritual radiance, a cell phone rang out. It belonged to the little paisano standing next to me. He smiled, stepped out of the circle, said something in Quechua to the person on the phone, and then smiling stepped back in the circle and took my hand. How droll this was to me then, and now! I wondered how he came by his cell phone, and who he was. I never did find out!

When the ceremony ended the clouds had returned to the sky. We descended the mountain to the heart valley in between, where our hosts had prepared a picnic lunch. We sat on the ground across from them and gratefully gobbled down potatoes, corn and lima beans with our fingers, grateful for the feast and famished from our adventure.

It has been over two months since that ceremony and the beauty, wonder and radiance still warms me. There were many more magical and mystical events on this journey to Peru, and perhaps I will share more of them later.

Note worthy to mention, and included in some of my pictures is Tiwanaku in Bolivia, a ceremonial center and sacred site dating back 17, 000 year ago or more, There you could close your eyes and feel the rocks move under your hands. Past life or ancient memories of other times seem to rise in the foreground of ones imaginings, so profound that it brought some folk to tears.

The famous Aramu Muru, interdimensional doorway, was no less profound, opening up within us other dimensionalities. It is the place to which the legendary solar disk was once brought and then from which it was taken and hidden in Lake Titicaca.

Is it possible that Peru abides in an interdimensional doorway its own?

I wish to share with you briefly the hike that I took with my good friends, Lee and Marce and a guide to Colca Canyon, place of the condors. This canyon is bigger, deeper and vaster that the Grand Canyon.

It rained every afternoon and night for the 3 days we were there, and we often mused that perhaps we would never merge from this canyon. On day one, we headed down slick muddy switchbacks whose rocks rolled out from underneath our feet. We had started the day early, and now it was close to sunset, and we were tired and pressed to reach camp before dark. The fellow with the burro with our supplies had gone on ahead of us. My legs felt weak and started trembling, giving way and collapsing under my footing. The girls would help me up but a few steps later I would collapse again. My body felt huge, massive. I felt like I weighed a ton. My legs could no longer hold me. I sat down there in the mud, lay back against the rocky ledge, comforted by the soft mud of the earth mother which seemed to be all around me. I was not uncomfortable, more in acceptance and resolution. I knew that if I could not get up and walk the rest of the way that the guide and my companions would have to leave me on this mountain in the Andes for the night. I recalled a dream I had had when I was sixteen years old. It was one of those quite real dreams that I call a "dream walk," and today I remember it as a past life or other life. In that dream I died in the Andes, although in quite a different way. It was nevertheless out on the mountain, on a ledge, at night, in the Andes. Comically or ironically Marce had brought a book with her title, "Death in the Andes." I wondered at the time if this title was now a foreshadowing of events to come!

As I rested there on the mountain, I was not afraid. It was all really okay. I felt this massive and huge earth mother stone body of mine, sitting there, leaning back, becoming one with the mountain. I was among many such rocks and boulders that embody the canyon, good companions for the night. For a moment I was unable to move at all. I had indeed become stone.

Interestingly, a couple of years ago, I had involved myself with other Bear tribe women in a passage and work with the 13 Clan Mothers, adapted from the book "13 Clan Mothers" by Jamie Sands. I worked with and represented the essence of Clan Mother, number 2, of the second moon cycle of February. She is called, "Wisdom Keeper." She is the historian, the keeper of the stone libraries, and the records of all times. Her body is of Stone. In that moment there at dusk on February 18, she and I became one for awhile. I felt my body grow and the earth shift around me. I was the color of mud, and a very large, and expansive mother earth boulder, and I was perfectly at home in the dimming light of the mountain.

Someone found some electrolytes, which quickly revitalized me and once again I was able to stand and walk.

We made it to our encampment as the last light left the sky. I love you Pacha Mama, Earth Mother. I am indeed your daughter.

The morning heat overtook Lee on day two, and she was restored thanks again to electrolytes! I was grateful that someone else had had a weakening experience. Marce, who is one of those A-1 personalities and is always in the best of shape and was well prepared for this hike and survived best. She reminded us that we had not done nearly enough cardio-vascular work, a statement at that time seemed comically self evident and of course at sea level you cannot begin to feel the challenge that you do at 12,000+ft.

In the end, Lee and I surrendered our lives and wisdom to the mulas (mules) whose wisdom and sure footing knew how to carry us the last two hours up out of that canyon, through rain and narrow paths which had become rivulets of water and rock which gave way under foot. They clung to the edge of the Canyon, helping us to overcome any thought or fear of heights we might ever have had! Our lives were dependant on this lowly beast of burden, who carried our tired and delicate bodies up out of the canyon, forcing us to surrender our wisdom to this "dumb" (not so anymore) beast of burden. Great lesson in humility!

Marce humbly claims that she only hiked two more hours than Lee and I. I cannot believe that she made it up that mountain only 20 minutes behind us! She admitted to not wishing to ride a mule and I think she really wanted to get out of that canyon fast! God bless!

I did receive a Condor feather, from an old man condor who flew over me and gifted me with a well worn feather, releasing it almost on top of me. The wind blew the feather into a ravine below. The guide fetched it for me. I brought it back with me and it remains one of my most cherished possessions.

Lastly, I just wanted to share with you that I have at last cleansed myself of the parasites I brought back with me, which were exacerbated by a slug of Lake Titicaca water, which I accidentally drank once back at home, from a bottle I had brought back with me. I think I wanted to have some of Peru stay with me a while longer. Indeed Titicaca water is very salty!!

I continue to feel the resonance of the light of the Solar Disk radiating deep within my own solar plexus daily and I am delighted, or enlightened, or in lighted, or simply blessed.

Blessings of love abound, Zan

Rev. Zan Butterfly Deerwoman Benham, goddess of many hats, weaves together modalities as individual and unique as the clients she serves. She is an ordained interfaith minister and a spiritual counselor. She is also Certified Hypnotist, Reiki Master, energy worker, shamanic practitioner, motivational teacher and ceremonialist. Rev. Zan has actively participated in healing circles for almost 20 years. She is Clan Mother of the southwest Florida Mockingbird Clan, a rainbow clan which follows "native way spirituality" and she has spent time with some of the shaman/chacaruna's of Peru.