LadybugFlights, Looking Back from December of 2006 (We really liked the picture.)
The last time anyone in Bethel, Missouri saw Melinda Carter that December, she was driving toward Highway 36 leading to St. Joseph, if she chose to go west— Hannibal, if she chose east. Melinda remembered her Aunt Millie saying they had people in the east. She chose east. The last person who spoke to her was Frank Carter. His last word, "Why?" came out clearly enough. Her angry, ironic answer: "Why?" was lost in the sound of the slamming door of her '82 Toyota pickup.
It was amazing the pickup could handle that kind of violence, the slamming of the door. After three owners and 205,000 miles, it had seen better days. The truck's better days were behind it when Frank had given it to her five years ago. One of the other owners had ripped a long gouge in the upholstery so Melinda always kept the seat covered with a colorful beach towel. One of them had scraped off the O-T-A on the tailgate, leaving only TOY. Melinda had laughed at what Frank had obviously considered a cute joke and pretended she didn't mind these small defects in her first and only vehicle, but it galled a few years later when he bought himself a nearly new Bronco in near perfect condition. Most things about Frank galled right then.
Melinda drove straight along the local road that connected to the Interstate. There was not much to disturb the horizon, an occasional tree parked in the middle of a corn field, a hedgerow, a cluster of trees overlooked in the clearing, perhaps just to break the monotony? The land seemed almost flat when the corn was high. Now, when it was reduced to itchy brown stubble with patches of dark earth creating shadowy patterns across the fields, you could see the rise and fall, the rolling hills that were barely hills—that usually looked like a mild variation in plant height. Still, the view was wide open. Melinda felt like the whole world was in front of her. In spite of the sun settling down behind her and a sky that was so heavy with the threat of snow that it seemed to rest just above the surface of those bent and broken corn stalks, she was optimistic. She reached down and circled the bulge in front of her with her left arm. "Now, now, baby, we'll be someplace nice soon and you can come out." In her head, she silently added "at last."
No daughter of hers was going to be born to a father like Frank Carter. No sir. She glanced at the gas gauge. A full tank. Melinda was not sure how far she was going but a full tank would get her somewhere, somewhere far from here, she was sure. She should have done this sooner… In the spring, when she first found out that after six years of marriage, the first three spent trying, she was pregnant. Certainly, by summer… Why now? Why?
That had been Frank's question when she left: why? How could he not know? That was the question that bothered her. It was a series of little things that had driven her away… And she had been driven. Melinda had been trying to stay for years now.
If she had left last summer she would have traveled along this road flanked by walls of tall green corn stalks, walls that came clear up to the road in most places, up to tangled thickets of berry bushes in others. She would have felt lost in that maze, overheated, and, she was certain, much more unsure than she now felt. The time was not right back then.
The right time was what she had been looking for. Melinda had kept her ear to the ground, seeking the right time for years. This was it. This time was right, prophetic even. This was the time when she could save her daughter from the life she herself had led, the same life her mother and her mother's mother had led. The life of wives.
Frank Carter was not a bad husband. He had not made unreasonable demands of her. He was usually kind enough. He was clean and, for a man, not too messy around the house. He was good company when they had company and a good sport when they went out. Frank was a hard worker and a steady provider.
But, while she appreciated all of those things in him, he only accepted what she brought to the marriage as his due. Melinda did not want to be worshipped, as some of her friends had accused her of wanting. She did not want to be any more special than anyone else. She only wanted to be special in her own way and to everyone in her life including her husband. She wanted to be a person, a partner, not a "wife" or not only that. Now, she was about to become a mother and she would never be special as herself again, never have the chance to make anyone, especially Frank, understand that need or that it was a need and real. The only way to avoid the oblivion of her future was to change it, change it once and for all. That's when the ticking of her mind said the time was right. Now.
Melinda pulled her car into the slow lane of the highway, merging neatly into line. She was headed toward Hannibal. She had been there before and was already thinking that Hannibal might not be the place she wanted to take her Star—the name she had chosen for her baby.
She had been driving for nearly an hour when she reached the outskirts of Hannibal. It was decision time again. Hannibal was a good-sized city, big by Melinda's standards, and it would be easy to lose herself there. She was thinking of escape but loss was not what she wanted. Melinda wanted to find herself before she was lost. She turned north. There was no plan to north. As far as she knew there were no people waiting in that direction to welcome her, as there might have been to the east.
Melinda took the turnoff to Highway 24. The area had changed from farm communities where she could see only ghostly lights of small clusters of homes in the distance, their Christmas regalia reduced to soft reds and blues through the low-hung clouds. On either side of the highway there were now homes, built close to the road for easy commuter access, their lights more garish and citified. She bypassed Quincy. She was still too close to Bethel. A highway sign said "Peoria 120." Maybe Peoria would be far enough. She would know when she got there.
As she approached the turnoff to Peoria, Melinda knew this was not the place she was looking for. Where? She had been driving for just under three hours and she was getting tired. Star was restless and moving around. She wanted mommy to move, too, not sit still in this cramped car seat looking decorative atop the beach towel when there were no beaches to be seen. Then, Melinda thought that might be a sign. She kept the Toyota on Rt. 24, headed east again; turned on I-55; headed north for Chicago and Lake Michigan, the closest body of water worthy of a beach.
It was late. The promise of snow left behind in Missouri with Frank Carter, but it was cold and the road was empty. Melinda was feeling lonely. Even little Star, moving around inside her, occasionally pushing against the steering wheel, did not seem like company. Melinda was beginning to feel sleepy too. She pulled over to the side of the road. She had not planned… Had not thought of having to stay somewhere. She checked her purse knowing there wasn't enough money for the extravagance of a motel. She had left all of Frank Carter's things with him, including his credit cards. She was finished with that life.
Melinda slid to the passenger side of her pickup and tried to make herself comfortable. The beach towel had bunched under her and Star was heavy against her bladder and back. She looked around the outside of the truck. Had it really been nearly three hours since she last peed?
Melinda stepped gingerly out of the truck. The highway was nearly deserted, dark, if she squatted right there, close to the open door… It didn't matter anymore. She had to go and there would be no stopping it in a moment. She squatted, pulling at the panties that were only half on her nowadays anyway, felt the relief that would be oh, so temporary this late in her pregnancy, and the welcome warmth of her urine as it made a steaming trail away from her and the road. After a moment, she stood again, looked around with feigned dignity, and let herself back into the passenger side of the truck, stopping before she slid in to straighten the rumpled towel. It was only minutes before Melinda and, it seemed, Star were sound asleep.
Sometime later, time having no meaning to a sleeping person, a hard knock on the side of her truck startled Melinda awake. Her sharp movement must have startled Star as well because, as Melinda jolted one way, the baby thrust the other and Melinda doubled up in pain. "Mam" a voice outside her window called, and a cold wind blew into the cab. Her door was open! Had she forgotten to lock the doors before falling asleep? "Mam, are you OK?" the voice asked again. She was trembling from cold and fear and could not answer. She wanted to flee but was trapped there on her beach towel in the cab of her TOY. For some reason the brightness of the officer's flashlight as it darted around her helped Melinda calm herself. Maybe it was because a flashlight seemed so official. She didn't know, but she found she could speak again.
He was young, the highway patrol officer. He looked at her protruding belly and his reflexes clicked into high protective mode. Melinda could see the officer was thinking of taking her somewhere, somewhere safe and appropriate for a woman in her condition. If she did not come up with a believable explanation for sleeping in her car on the interstate, he would be calling Frank or some other responsible party before she knew it.
"Oh, my," she exclaimed innocently. Why not use his presumptions? "I was so tired for a minute there, I wasn't sure I could get home. I'm almost home, but still… and I needed to stop for gas. I guess I'm just a silly for not realizing I could rest a minute at the next off ramp when I gassed up." Perhaps she had gone too far with that last, but Melinda was taking no chances and she probably did need gas by then. Odd that should occur to her now.
The officer called to his partner, an older man who came equipped with an official lecture on every subject a highway patrolman might encounter. When the lecture was finished, the officers offered to accompany her to the gas station. They were only doing their job, but Melinda felt her escape was somehow diminished by their concern. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself after all.
She smiled and accepted their offer. At that point she was not sure she had a choice. Melinda aimed the pickup into the slow lane and, followed by the cautious officers, headed for the ramp marked "Gas-Food-Lodging." When she turned into the gas station the police car pulled up next to her and the young officer suggested, again, that she take advantage of the motel a few blocks down the street. It was clean and safe, he assured her. She was almost home, she repeated. The police car backed and circled toward the highway entrance, and Melinda realized that there would be restrooms, real restrooms, at the gas station and that she was, once more, in desperate need.
The old shocks on the pickup quavered as she lowered her bulk from the cab. Star turned, kicked, and stretched. This trip had been hard on her. Melinda cupped her left hand under her belly for support and waddled toward the sign with the blue woman outlined on it.
When she returned, a young man had removed the gas cap and inserted a gas hose into her tank. It looked like he was already pumping. Panic raced up Melinda's spine. She did not have much money, maybe not enough to fill the truck. She certainly could not pay extra for full service. She hurried over to the attendant. "Thank you, thank you very much but I can…" she began only to be cut off by a charming smile.
"I'm sorry, Mam," he said, still smiling. "I'm not really the attendant. I thought maybe if I paid for the gas? You are headed toward Chicago?"
Melinda stepped back a pace. The last thing she wanted right then was to make a decision, either about where she was going or whether she would trust this young man to go anywhere with her. She groped around in her purse. "How much have you put in so far?"
"Please, Mam. I'm no masher or murderer or anything like that. I just want to get home for Christmas. I'm just a college student. Here's my student I.D. The picture isn't much but you can tell it's me. I'm harmless, really. Besides, looks like you could use someone to spell you."
He was right. She was still tired and Star was giving her no respite. He seemed nice enough… Melinda's instinct said he was telling the truth—and what was this about if not trusting herself and her judgment? The "yes" popped out of her mouth before she realized that her decision had been made.
They road silently for a while, Jeff—that turned out to be his name—at the wheel and Melinda curled up, or as close to a sleeping position as she could manage, against the passenger door; locked this time. Even Star seemed to settle in.
After about twenty minutes, Jeff asked in a low voice meant not to surprise if Melinda were actually asleep, "Where are you going exactly? I'm going past Chicago myself, so I'll need to know where to take you before I look for my next ride."
"Where?" Melinda felt trapped. She could no longer make turns or decisions because something did or did not seem right at the moment. "I mean, where are you headed, exactly?"
"Zion." Jeff answered. "That's where my folks are. Where I come from. It means 'Utopia' you know? Most people don't know that. I was glad enough to get out of there, but I can't believe how glad I'm going to be to get back." He smiled that charming smile of his.
"Utopia? Maybe that's what I need. Why don't we take you home and maybe I'll skip Chicago—Nothing there but the lake anyway. I'll miss the lake, though." Melinda sounded hesitant.
"The Lake?" Jeff laughed. "Zion is right on the Lake. If it's lake you want, we can take the route that runs right around the beach. Just let me drive!"
"Utopia and the Lake." Melinda muttered, nodding off for a moment. Somewhere from her past she seemed to remember that Bethel meant sanctuary. What an odd coincidence, she mused.
The traffic around Chicago was light. The night was clear. The city seemed to gleam in the distance, and then there was the lake. Even in the darkness it was there, boldly outlined against the sky and land around it. It reflected light from every angle, upwards, sideways, even below it seemed. It was huge. Melinda had never seen a lake like this before, a lake that deserved a beach. It took her breath away.
They followed the lake for what seemed like hours, until Melinda began to be aware of her growing discomfort. Too many hours sitting here, she thought. But the pressure on her back was terrible and Star felt like a hot lump growing in intensity within her. Her bladder felt agonizingly full. At the same time, she felt she would not be able to pee even if she asked Jeff to stop. Something was very wrong.
Melinda did not say anything at first. How could she tell a strange young man that something very unusual, probably bad, maybe even life threatening, was happening to her body? She sat as quietly as she could and, in some positions, she felt temporary relief. Then she noticed she had wet herself. How embarrassing! For the first time, she was grateful for that beach towel. She tugged at the terry seat covering and bunched it under herself as much as possible. Her twisting and the small gasps she had thought she hid so well, finally made Jeff too nervous to ignore. "You OK, Melinda?" he asked. "It isn't the baby?"
It was the baby! Melinda's water had broken. She was in labor. Star! Melinda almost laughed when she realized how stupid she was not to have known. She nodded her head and Jeff began looking for hospital signs.
Within minutes, they were headed down a residential street. It was dark, except for an occasional light at a corner, and Melinda could just make out the brighter spot in the distance that was the hospital. Jeff pulled into the driveway marked "Emergencies." It wasn't exactly an emergency. Babies are born all the time. Melinda realized that—though she felt otherwise and with growing frequency—she wasn't going to die.
Jeff helped her out of the old truck. She held his arm with her right hand and wrapped the other around Star, hoping the comforting presence would slow her daughter's demands to be born for the next few minutes. When they got inside, a nurse met them with a wheelchair and Jeff followed behind as they hurried to a very un-medical looking desk. The woman at the desk began to ask Jeff questions about insurance and doctors, and it took a few minutes for him to make it clear that he was with Melinda, but not that way. Melinda smiled, when the pain let her, at his confusion.
The bottom line was: They were not going to let her in. Melinda was sure there was some way they would let her in, but in her current state she was not able to figure out what that might be. She would have to call Frank Carter and let him provide the insurance information they required. She needed a bed and a delivery room. Now!
Melinda turned to Jeff. "How much money you got, kid?" She demanded. Jeff looked back at her confused and perplexed. This was more than he expected.
"You want to get home; don't you? Well, I'll sell you my truck, right now, for enough to satisfy these people they'll get paid."
Jeff pulled a wad of bills from his jeans pocket. "I don't know…"
"If you've got a hundred, I'll even throw in the beach towel. You'll have to wash it, of course…" Melinda smiled through tears that spread down her cheeks.
Jeff handed the wad of bills to the woman at the desk, who barely looked up as she waved permission for the nurse to take Melinda into a delivery room. "Should I?" Jeff hesitated. The nurse pointed over her shoulder toward a waiting area. Jeff retreated to a hard plastic seat, but it was Christmas Eve and he was anxious to get home. After a short while, Jeff left his name and phone number with the admitting nurse, took the keys to his TOY, and headed home to his family.
Melinda did not remember much of what happened after she left Jeff. There must have been hours of pain because pain was her main memory. Then, she remembered seeing little Star, really seeing this baby she already knew and loved. Then, she slept.
When Melinda woke, it was light in the room. The sun was up and light poured through the windows. There were carolers in the hall. Melinda had forgotten all about Christmas. A small bassinette was next to her bed and a tiny person in a pink blanket and cap slept on the white hospital receiving blanket. For a moment, Melinda thought how stupid she had been to worry about herself—who she was—when she would have Star to think about from now on. Then she remembered she had to realize herself if she was to teach Star all she would need to know in this world.
Melinda was lost in thoughts of her wonderful daughter and did not notice when Frank came into the room. He was carrying a package. It was not flowers, as Melinda had always pictured him carrying to her bedside when their daughter was born. He was carrying a paper bag and inside she could see a Nerf football, a doll, and, sticking up at one side, a bright red baby's Santa suit.
Maybe the three of them could learn to find themselves together.
Jane Roberts just returned from the "Women Deliver" conference in London and sent us this report.
Women Deliver
from Jane Roberts
The Lancet, the prestigious British medical journal's October 13-19, 2007 edition was dedicated to the Women Deliver conference in London, England which I had the privilege of attending. Almost 2000 health experts and government and United Nations officials from 80 countries came together to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the Safe Motherhood Initiative. Reducing maternal mortality was the goal 20 years ago and remains the goal today. There is only minimal progress to report.
Over 500,000 women die in childbirth every year and many more millions suffer temporary or permanent disability. Of the 10 million children who die under the age of 5 every year, forty percent die in their first month. The primary cause is the ill health of the mother during the pregnancy. Often she has not been able to space her pregnancies because of a lack of family planning services.
Family planning saves lives. Indeed it is probably the medical intervention in the last 70 to 80 years which has saved more women's lives than any other. The British government announced at the conference a 100 million pound gift over 5 years to the United Nations Population Fund much of which is to go toward the purchase of family planning commodities of which there is a worldwide shortage.
I have the great joy of telling the many supporters of LadyBug and those who have read my book 34 Million Friends of the Women of the World published by LadybugPress that the David and Lucile Packard Foundation has given an initial grant to start on the process of a major motion picture documentary probably entitled "Women's Stories" which will highlight the theme of gender inequality and the price the world is paying for denying women and girls equal access to education, health, and their human rights. It will also tie women's rights to poverty reduction, to a sustainable environment and to peace.
Al Gore's film focused the world's attention on climate change. At the Women Deliver conference I watched a documentary put out by the BBC called Dead Mums Don't Cry. The BBC spent a week in Chad at a health clinic run by a wonderful caring physician Dr. Grace Kodindo who struggled to help women survive. During that week a 12 year old girl died of an abortion, two women of post partum hemorrhage and one of eclampsia, a blood pressure anomaly during pregnancy easily treated by magnesium sulfate of which the clinic had none, nor did it have blood for transfusions. The program aired several times in Britain and in Chad. This clinic now has most of what it needs to save women's lives. Would that our film might do for the world what this documentary did for Dr. Kodindo's clinic and what Al Gore's film did for climate change. In today's world, media attention is crucial for mobilizing governmental and grassroots activism.
On the front of the Lancet issue were these words: " Since the human race began, women have delivered for society. It is time now for the world to deliver for women." Well said!
Jane Roberts is co-founder of 34 Million Friends and author of 34 Million Friends of the Women of the World. She has recently been involved in spearheading an effort to produce a documentary on the important work of the United Nations Population Fund. Jane recently released news of major progress toward this goal. A brief excerpt from the announcement:
Media attention has been paid and so you do know about the case of the Saudi Arabian victim of rape who was sentenced to 200 lashes for being in a car with a non-relative and speaking out. And you do know that religious extremists burn girls' schools and shoot their teachers. What you probably don't know is that international commitments to reproductive health and family planning have been more honored in the breach than in the implementation costing women their choices in life and often their very lives.
A film may effect some change. I am thrilled to announce that the Packard Foundation has given initial funding to a major motion picture documentary probably called Women's Stories that will highlight the theme of gender inequality by telling individual women's stories from around the globe.
The "big people" behind this film are Allan Rosenfield, dean of the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University and a worldwide icon in the field of women's health, and Nafis Sadik, former executive director of the United Nations Population Fund and now an under secretary general. My friend Linda Harrar, who has done outstanding work for PBS, will be the executive producer.
We hope in this film to put all the pieces of the puzzle together so that the world will understand the price it is paying for gender inequality. And we hope that the film will stimulate a global movement of governmental and citizen action and activism for the girls and women of the world. We believe it will. Such is the power of film.
As most of us are aware, tweens and teens more often than not, put themselves at risk online by posting inappropriate material about themselves. These postings are typically on social networking sites. They may include raunchy or "inviting" language, photos or videos of themselves in scantily clad attire striking one or more provocative poses, or photos of themselves drunk, high, or just plain "out of control". They often don't think there is anything wrong with this behavior. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I'm sure many of you will agree.
The Internet is about the "perception" of reality. As unfair as it is, regardless of how true that perception is, the subject in question is judged by whatever standards the viewer imposes. It's also important to note that whatever is posted online is there "forever" - for the world to access, comment on, and in some cases is changed and re-posted to suit the viewer's whim - often to the detriment of the subject. Additionally, in many cases, whatever is posted online no longer belongs to the user who posted it. For example, Myspace, owns all subscriber content that's posted on their site in perpetuity.
Tweens and teens not only put themselves at risk for being targets for online sexual predators, they are also putting their goals and dreams for the future at risk. It is a very sad scenario when a student who has worked very hard throughout their school career to get a scholarship to the university of their choice finds out that they are no longer a candidate because of inappropriate material they've posted online. Colleges, universities, and employers are researching social networking sites these days before selecting their candidates. In some cases, a student or job applicant will get the admission, scholarship, or job then lose it later because of what was found online. In fact, a number of Congressional interns and new hires have lost their jobs because of what is considered or "perceived" as inappropriate postings.
If you want to see what your child has posted online, tell them that you'd like them to show you what they have on their social networking pages. But don't make it a "gotcha" moment. Instead, give them time to take whatever they think you won't like off of their pages. Tell them you want to take a look at it after dinner, or the next day. If they accuse you of intruding on their privacy that would be a perfect time to remind them that there is no privacy on the net. Whatever they post is like posting it on a billboard for the world to see - literally.
As parents, we need to empower our children with the skills they need to keep themselves safe online. The best way to accomplish this is through regular discussions with them about their online activities. When you hear news stories about Internet crimes, mention it to them. What are their thoughts? The key is to establish an ongoing dialogue with them. Frequent open conversations is more powerful than any Internet safety software you can purchase and it goes a lot further in terms of building your relationship with your child.
The World Wide Web is an amazing environment that should be enjoyed and not feared. Unfortunately, because of the inherent and ever-changing risks, it requires constant education, communication, and community outreach. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me at suzanne@myinternetsafetycoach.com or at Suzanne@supportpapa.com.
There was a time when breast cancer was something that happened to old women, and was rarely talked about. Today it is everywhere. It is in all our lives. It MUST be spoken about. In this article I am not going to discuss what happens once you get breast cancer, instead I want you to learn what the risk factors for developing it are, and how you might prevent it from happening to you.
At last count, I have 5 women friends who are at varying stages of the disease, and a couple of acquaintances from the past. How can that possibly be? According to the National Cancer Institute's SEER (Surveillance Epidemiology and End Results) program "It is estimated that 178,480 women will be diagnosed with, and 40,460 women will die of, cancer of the breast in 2007." The highest incidence of this type of cancer occurs in white women (132.5 per 100), with black women coming in second, with 118.3 per 100 cases. All races combined show a 127.8 in 100 rate. And, while it used to be that the older you got, the greater your chances of developing breast cancer became, according to SEER statistics from 2000-2004, the age at which breast cancer is being diagnosed the most is in the ages between 55 and 64 (with a median age of 61 years). It used to be the over 84 age group that had the highest incidence. Mortality may still be higher in the 75-84 range (23%), but only just - our younger sisters are dying at alarming rates too.
One good thing is that with more women being diagnosed, more cancers are being detected early on, which means that lives are being saved. The American Cancer Society states that currently 61% of breast cancers are detected in their earlier stages (meaning that the cancer is localized), with a resulting 5-year survival rate of 98.1%. That's good news. One reason is that mammograms are occurring at more than 3 times the 1987 frequency, but that number is going down, and why are so many women getting breast cancer in the first place?
There are several know risk factors, such as genetic predisposition, and the following are the most common:
Being a woman! Men do get breast cancer too, but it is relatively rare
Being obese or overweight, but this is case dependent
Age
Family history of breast cancer (1st degree relatives)
Genetic susceptibility (there are several genes involved)
Some breast conditions
Early menarche (early onset of periods) <12, and late onset of menopause >55 years of age
Not having children, or having them later in life
Long-term use of hormone replacement therapy/birth control
Alcohol use (highly implicated)
Sedentary lifestyle, i.e. lack of physical exercise
A high fat diet (depends on the TYPE of fat)
Environmental pollution
DES (diethylstilbestrol) exposure
Second-hand smoke
Working night shifts
To clarify some of these risk factors, it is important to understand that not all have a clearly defined association with breast cancer development, but there is evidence to suggest that they are implicated. Estrogen plays a role in many types of breast cancer, but not all, and there are mitigating circumstances in almost every incidence. For example;
Weight is a significant but complex factor: Prior to menopause, the majority of estrogen is manufactured by the ovaries, but afterwards most of it comes from fat tissue. Thus, someone who puts on weight in adulthood, especially after The Change, increases their risk, yet someone who has had weight issues since childhood appears to be less at risk. And, where the fat deposits are is also a factor; i.e. someone with more fat in the waist area has a greater risk than someone who has the same amount of fat on the hips and thighs. Maintaining a "healthy" weight is thus important, especially as we age. Like that is easy!
Age is still an extremely relevant to risk: 1 in 8 diagnoses of breast cancer are in those under 45, but 2 out of 3 diagnoses of invasive breast cancer occur in those over the age of 55.
Family History is significant, but not definitive: Having a first degree relative with the disease, i.e. mother, sister, or daughter, doubles the risk of getting breast cancer. If you have 2 first degree relatives who have had it increases the risk 5-fold. However, the overall risk of developing breast cancer if you have a family history is still only between 20-30%. N.B. If YOU have had cancer in one breast, your chances of developing a new cancer in the other one are increased 3 to 4-fold.Genetic Vulnerability is thought to be responsible for between 5% and 10% of breast cancers. Inheriting a gene mutation (change) from a parent is one way; whereby a tumor suppressor gene (BRCA1 and BRCA2 being the most prevalent) is 'turned off' and can no longer prevent or slow down abnormal cell growth. Or, an oncogene is 'turned on' which causes cells to multiply rapidly. Acquiring a genetic mutation is another way, and this can occur due to exposure to radiation or cancer-causing chemicals. It is worthy of note that MOST breast cancers "have several gene mutations that are acquired." (See the link to Explanation of Gene Mutations). There are several other inherited genes that have been implicated in breast cancer development, but they do not have the same level of risk as the BRCA genes, which carry up to an 80% chance of developing breast cancer. .
Breast Disease occurs in many forms, but only certain types of benign breast conditions are thought to increase breast cancer risk: Of the 3 general categories of breast conditions, Proliferative Lesions without Atypia (proliferation of cells in the breast ducts or lobules), increase risk 1½ to 2-fold, and Proliferative Lesions with Atypia (proliferation of cells in the breast ducts or lobules where the cells are clearly abnormal), increase the risk 4 to 5-fold. The breast conditions in both these categories are not in our day-to-day vocabulary, but you can find them listed via the ACS Risk Factors Facts link.
Early Menarche/Late Onset Menopause have both been shown to have a slightly increased risk of developing breast cancer, but this is probably attributable to a longer exposure to estrogen.
Being Childless or Having Children Later in Life can carry a slightly raised risk of breast cancer. It is shown that those who have children at a younger age, and several of them, have a decreased risk of developing the cancer.
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT)/The Pill both carry some risk factors: Long-term use of HRT, in the combination of estrogen and progesterone, is known to contribute to an increased risk of developing breast cancer. But, estrogen alone, given to women who have had hysterectomies and who are no longer at risk of uterine cancer from the hormone, does not appear to carry as much of a risk of breast cancer in the short term. The Pill does carry a slightly elevated risk, but once it has been discontinued the risk decreases substantially over time. After 10 years off birth control the risk is negligible.
Alcohol Use does increase the risk of developing breast cancer, not to mention cancers of the mouth, throat, esophagus, and liver. A woman who drinks 2-5 alcoholic beverages per day increases her risk 1½ times. A single daily drink still carries a slight risk.
Sedentary Lifestyle is not just a risk factor for breast cancer, but for many different illnesses, including cardiovascular disease. According to the Women's Health Initiative, as little as 1.25 to 2.5 hours of exercise (brisk walking) per week has been shown to reduce breast cancer risk by 18%. The ACS would like to see us work out 45-60 minutes 5 times per week.
A High Fat Diet does not in of itself demonstrate a higher risk for developing breast cancer; rather countries where women eat a lower total fat diet have LESS risk. Saturated fats are implicated in several diseases, and possibly are linked to breast cancer, but several studies have shown conflicting results. It is best, however, to limit fat intake no matter what.
Environmental Pollution is a complex issue, but there is definitely some concern that certain chemicals in the atmosphere (xenoestrogens) do have estrogen-like properties and their action can thus raise women's risk of developing breast cancer.
DES (diethylstilbestrol) Exposure occurred from around 1938-1971, when women at risk of miscarriage were given this toxic synthetic estrogen drug during pregnancy, and in this population the risk factor for breast cancer in increased by 30%. But, it also increases the risk for cancers of the uterus, cervix and endometrium, 40-fold, in the offspring exposed in utero (in the uterus) to the drug. It is important to ask your mothers whether they were given this drug while pregnant with you, if you were born between these years, and check out the information given on the ACS website devoted to this subject (see below).
Second-hand Smoke slightly raises the risk of developing breast cancer, according to some studies, but the evidence is not so clear about direct smoking. Either way, it is better to avoid both, for health reasons. Period!
Working Night Shifts does have an effect on our hormonal balance, particularly melatonin production, thus potentially increasing the risk of developing breast cancer. This is a new area of study, and little information is available at this time, but it is well worth noting.
AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
There have been many scares about increased breast cancer risk with such things as antiperspirant use, and breast implants. Though, fortunately, most turn out to be groundless. However, by paying attention to your body, assessing your risk for developing breast cancer, and taking some precautionary steps, you will know that you are doing the very best you can to prevent it from occurring.
There are some obvious things that you can be doing to reduce your risk of developing breast cancer; such as watching your diet and eliminating trans fats (anything that says partially hydrogenated, or hydrogenated), and cutting down on saturated fats. If you carry too much in the way of additional weight, talk with your healthcare provider about starting or increasing an exercise regimen.
A baseline mammogram by the age of 40, and an annual screening mammogram thereafter are essential. If you have a family history of breast cancer, then you need to have a baseline mammogram even sooner. Ask you physician to recommend when and where.
It cannot be stressed enough just how important the mammogram is as a first line of defense against breast cancer, yet according to the CDC (MMWR), the numbers show that fewer women are having them, even though, overall, the numbers are up from 20 years ago; (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5603a1.htm?s_cid=mm5603a1_e).
Monthly breast self-exams are also extremely important! I know of 2 women who found their cancers this way. It might help to remind you if you choose a specific date each month on which to conduct them. Instructions on how to do a breast self-exam are in the links section.
Note too that clinical breast exams are also very important, and you should ensure that your OB/GYN, or whoever usually conducts your annual gynecological visits, performs a full breast exam as well as doing a Pap test.
The latest and seemingly most accurate form of breast cancer screening is an MRI, but as yet it is not normally covered by insurance and can cost $1,000- $1,500 per scan, making it much more expensive than a mammogram. MRI should be used as an adjunct to mammograms, and not in the place of...not yet, anyway. It is particularly recommended for those who are known to be at risk for developing breast cancer (over 15-20%), most notably those with the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutations. Studies have shown that Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) can detect cancers that were missed by mammography; especially in the second breast when cancer has already been diagnosed in the first one. However, apart from the initial cost involved, there is another down-side and that is there can be what is known as a 'false positive' - whereby what looks like it is a lesion (possible cancer) turns out not to be, but you only find out after going through additional expensive and potentially painful tests. This said, if you are at risk then you need to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages very carefully.
Under no circumstances should you rely on thermography as your only form of breast cancer screening! This safe, non-invasive, pain-free method of screening, which detects heat patterns in the body, has its place in finding very early cancers. It should not, however, be thought of as anything other than an additional resource to conventional methodologies. It is also not covered by insurance and would therefore be an additional expense to consider.
If you have first or second degree relatives who have developed breast and/or ovarian cancer, you may want to consider genetic testing. This too, however, can be an expensive proposition if your insurance won't cover the $300-$3,000 cost. You should also bear in mind that only between 10-20% of all breast cancers can be attributed to inherited factors.
If you are susceptible to, or have already developed, breast cancer, and it is estrogen mediated, there are a couple of things that you should be aware of: Environmental, that is chemical (xenoestrogens), and plant estrogens (phytoestrogens) likely play a role in the development of this type of cancer. For example, eating soy products needs to be avoided, as does drinking milk, eating butter and meat from cows (or other livestock) treated with hormones. Certain pesticides are known to have estrogenic action, thus eating organic fruits, grains and vegetables should become the norm for you.
It is worth noting too that a few cancers of the breast have been found to contain trace amounts of parabens; preservatives commonly found in everything from face and body lotions to antiperspirants. You may want to start reading labels for these, just as a precaution, as it is not known at this time if their estrogen-like properties are the cause of cancers or merely coincidental. I always prefer to err on the side of caution. And that should be your mantra from now on!
A FINAL WORD
There is so much information available on breast cancer that I could write a book on the subject, instead of this article, but I hope that you will take the time to look at some of the websites that I have provided the links to. I wish you health, abundance and happiness. Until next time........
Dedicated to: Pam, Anna, Ignacia, Julie and Jenny - rock on ladies, rock on.
Listen to Tina on "Being Well" at LadybugLive and...
Read this feature from past issues.
Polar Bears, Penguins and the Internet
The temperatures at the poles are rising five times as rapidly as the average temperature for the globe as a whole. Polar bears are the canaries of the north pole— they require ice conditions and their numbers are decreasing rapidly. Currently there are about 22,000 polar bears in the arctic— by 2050 they may be reduced to one third that number. Similarly, penguins warn of problems in Antartica — of ten species of penguins there, only two are stable while the other eight are declining.
In a recent presentation at the Linda Hall Library in Kansas City, Missouri, Jonathon Chester shared these and many other facts about both poles. A leading polar photographer, Chester has visited Antarctica 20 times and has wonderful pictures and extensive knowledge of the remote continent. He illustrated the extent of the global warming problem and told of the International Polar Year, in which many countries are collaborating to gather data which help show what is happening in these fragile areas.
Fifty years ago the IGY was a similar massive international data collection project. Then, only the biggest findings made the news, others were buried in scientific journals available only to professionals years after the data were collected.
This time around, things are different. Everyone with an internet connection can see what's happening. Want to see the view at Mawson base in Antarctica? Just check out the webcam for that Australian base. The South Pole has a webcam too, provided by the US. The current temperature there is -32.3°C. Pretty chilly! Sixty countries are involved with 50,000 scientists. Just as an example, check out the interesting website from Germany. If you don't read German, just translate a portion of the site using Babelfish for a real international experience.
You too can get involved. From artists to educators there are possibilites mentioned on the IPY website. As citizens of this lovely planet, we all need to know what is happening, and the International Polar Year and the internet are an excellent combination to help wake us to the imminent and powerful effects of global warming. The penguins and polar bears will thank you.
We started decorating the weekend before Thanksgiving. The lights went up last weekend on one of our last warm Saturdays. There are two reasons for the early decorations: one is named and Joel and the other is Emily. They were so excited for the holiday changeover they couldn't wait another weekend.
Most of our neighborhood is already decorating as well. The day after Halloween, the fall decorations came down and the Christmas ones started appearing. Early in December, the entire town of 75,000 people or so will have one night of matching luminaries set out in front of their houses. It is a beautiful candlelit night.
Less than 15 minutes from our house, George Jones puts out a light show to rival many professional ones. There are limousines and tour buses lined up for miles to see his annual holiday extravaganza that he puts on gratis for anyone driving through his neighborhood.
At our house, Santa is still on the bad list. Joel likes him. Emily is warming to him but will not sit on his lap alone. There are a few more pictures with either me in them or Emily screaming like she is being left in outer Siberia. We have never made Santa into the gift giver and are very open with the presents being in the house already. Joel was a little confused when Santa asked him what he wanted. Santa was a little confused when Joel told Santa Mommy had already bought his gifts.
Joel helped with the decorations this year. He commented that one of the smaller trees had cornflakes on it. We couldn't figure out what kind of cereal tree we had created until he pointed to the pinecones. It was difficult to explain the term difference without laughing out loud as he was so serious in his explanation.
As the holidays approach, there have been lots of holiday songs already playing in our car and at home. Emily is obsessed with "Last Christmas" because it mentions the word special. Without variance, she always points at herself and says "baby special". We have played a groove in the CD yet she never tires of requesting "Last Chrim". Following in the holiday song tradition, I have written my own version of the Twelve Days of Christmas.
I wish all of you the best of Holiday seasons and the Happiest of New Years.
Mommy's Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
A Pedicure in the mall
(compliments of Daddy)
On the second day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Two Babies Sleeping
On the third day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Three French Fries
On the fourth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Four Painted Handprints
On the fifth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Five Cornflake Trees
On the sixth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Six Hours a Sleeping
On the seventh day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Seven Minutes Bathing
On the eighth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Eight Maids a Cleaning
(thanks again to Daddy)
On the ninth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Nine Spinning Dances
On the tenth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Ten Hairs a Graying
On the eleventh day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Eleven Pipers Silent
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my children gave to me:
Twelve Hugs and Kisses
I realize it has been quite awhile since I last wrote.
I have had a lot of family issues going on that required me to help out.
I did finish my radiation. Started the radiation after my chemo was done.
Radiation is a cake walk compared to the chemo. However, it will make you slightly anemic, there fore making you feel a little tired. Not too bad though.
Toward the end of treatment, your skin has had enough and begins to break down.
You get a nice little burn. But, not to worry--the doc will give you some magical cream, and waalaa, it heals right up.
After finishing the treatments, and the doctor visits start to dwindle down, a melancohly begins to settle in.
The doctors say this is very typical, and that it will pass. As time has gone by it has passed.
The doctors also say that as time passes I will not think of breast cancer.
Hmmm....I think that will have to take some REAL time to pass before that happens.
I do go thru the day and only think of it about a hundred times instead of a thousand...I guess I am getting better.
A couple of months since the treatment and you begin to feel like your old self again. Only your innocence about life has been robbed. Maybe that necessarily isn't a bad thing.
I truly know the joy of living now.... So, it that respect, I am glad for the ordeal.
I just had my follow up (1 year) mamo... I was surprised at how much anxiety that I felt.
I went in, they took me right away and they started the super duper--smashing the boobs mamogram. Boy, if you think the regular mamo is painful—try the big bad one...Well, maybe and hopefully you will never have the pleasure of receiving this diagnostic tool....
They took many different angles while my head and chin were plastered into the cold machine and my head turned until I thought that I was going to need a chiropractic treatment afterwards. Then they take me to a room to wait. They say that the radiologist is going to read the images right away.
So, I sat and waited, and waited, and waited. People came and went. The tech would come in and say to them, "Okay, everything looks good, you can leave."
I was the first one in the waiting room, and I was still in the waiting room, everyone else was gone.
I started thinking only the worst, and all bad things. What are they finding? Are they contacting my oncologist? why aren't they coming to tell me?....on and on,
until my anxiety level was at a premium.
One hour later, the tech came in and said, "everything looks good, you can get dressed and leave, see you in a year."
I thanked her, went into the dressing room and just cried....
I am amazed at how fresh and raw this overwhelming "scared" feeling is.
After I had a good cry and thanked God for giving me a healthy mamo, I left the building and walked to my car.
I walked with a joy in my heart. A joy for living. A joy for things big and small.
And a dream....a dream to live to a ripe ole age, and to be a grandmother, and to get remarried, to start a new life...
I felt renewed in all things.
I felt so good, that I didn't mind paying the parking lot fee of $8.00 for 21/2 hours. Good old Stanford. Gotta keep the flow coming in.
Well, this is enough chatter for now.
I will try to keep up the article every month. Sometimes too much happens in one person's life.
But, hey, bring it on.
Have wonderful Holidays, and stay happy and well.
Be thankful for those times sitting around the dining room table with the quiet, surly teenager.
Those kids that take you for granted. Don't appreciate you—NOT...they do. It's UNCOOL for them to show it. BUT...they love you, and appreciate everything you do for them.
That is joy.....
Have you ever noticed how the urge to read comes over you most strongly on a dark and dreary day? You know the kind of day I mean. All the beds are unmade, the kitchen is such a mess it looks like experimental art, and the house is so cluttered that if anybody were to stumble through it, you would be facing a personal injury lawsuit?
I found myself in this very circumstance just the other day. Instead of rolling up my sleeves and digging into the housework, I decided to go to my favorite place to read where I would not be bothered by details.
I got out a flashlight, threw a blanket over my head and started reading a book about a woman who had never put off housework in her life (it was a science fiction story), when the doorbell rang.
I threw my blanket and flashlight behind the couch and with an obstacle-course-lightness-of-foot, made my way to the front door. I opened it a crack with my lips poised to say, "I don't care if I don't go to heaven," when a hand reached in and gave me a flyer. It read:
FREE MAKEOVERS WHILE YOU WAIT
CALL 1-800-555-FACE
This got me to thinking. Frankly I had let my looks go a little since the birth of my last baby (who turned 20 last month). I looked into the mirror with a critical eye to see just how seriously my looks had deteriorated. It was not a pretty picture. My hairdo needed help. In fact, I wasn't even sure you could call what my hair did a do, and I definitely needed new make-up stat! This would also be a good time to admit to myself that everyone knew that the jogging pants I was wearing were really my pajama bottoms.
I picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-555-FACE.
"Good Morning!" said a cheerful voice. "Thank you for calling Glen's Pizza Parlor and Beauty Salon -- where we always put pizza and hair first, but never together." How my I help you?"
"Uh . . . I think I might have the wrong number," I said. "I was calling about a free makeover?"
"No you have the right number, I'm Glen, head chef and chief beautician. What time would you like to come in for your makeover?"
"Well, before you put me down for a makeover, what is it exactly that you do?' I inquired.
"Look lady. I'm an artist," he insisted. "Be here at one o'clock and leave the details to me.'
This is crazy I thought, as I pulled into the parking lot that afternoon. But I was determined to go through with it. After all, I didn't have much to lose, and it was better than doing housework. As I walked through the front door, I noticed a strange order. It smelled like pepperoni and Prell. A sign said:
PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED AND/OR STYLED
"Hello there, I'm Glen. I'll be your waiter-stylist." I turned around and saw a man standing there wearing a smock and a chef's hat. "Please come this way." he said. I followed him to the back room.
He told me to be seated and before I had a chance to speak he had shampoo on my hair, wax on my eyebrows and polish on my nails. I was beginning to get a little anxious when I saw him stir a strange, boiling-hot, orange mixture, but to my immense relief. he poured it on a big piece of dough and yelled out, "Number seven!"
Just as he was putting the finishing touches on my new hairdo, three policemen burst into the room.
"Hold it right there, Glen!" shouted one of the officers. "You're under arrest for numerous health code violations, operating as a beautician with an expired license and making the world's worst pizza."
They dragged Glen kicking and screaming out the door.
On my way home, people were staring at me and once, I thought I saw a busload of children laughing and pointing, but I hoped it was just my imagination.
When I got home, I stumbled through the house to the mirror. I bravely took one look, gasped in horror, retrieved the blanket from behind the couch and quickly threw it over my head . . . where it remains to this day.
A Little nostalgia: from our first book at LadybugPress, Women on a Wire
OLD FRIENDS....
Days remembered
you and I....
How many times
I dreamt you
You dreamt me?
We find each other,
we part, and go
live our lives
separately for Love.
And then....
We find each other,
one more time,
with hopes of
never parting again.
True Love finds
it's way back,
into our Hearts,
you and I.
Days remembered,
fantasies admitted...
We find each other,
sharing twenty five
years of Hope...
You and I.
~"C" bear
Schar has artwork, calendars and greeting card for sale. Great Gifts!
We are serializing Flying Lessons for Butterflies by Sheila Whitman. Sheila Whitman is a Professional Counselor and Life Coach, with a private practice in CT. She has done agency counseling with pregnant and postpartum women, and coordinated a residence for women and children in a domestic violence program. Sheila strives to nurture the potential of her clients, and understands that past or current abuse is incredibly detrimental to this goal of self-actualization. The lessons contained in this book invite the reader to challenge old beliefs, and make concrete changes in self-esteem and creative risk taking. Emphasis is on strategies for altering perceptions and behaviors that may have been distorted during childhood, and the development of a healthy integration of mind, body, and soul. The underlying message is that every individual has great value and can eventually soar to discover his or her best self. Sheila completed her B.S. at Temple University and M.S. at Southern CT State University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Connecticut and a Registered Professional Counselor in California.
Flying Lessons For BUTTERFLIES
How to free yourself from the effects of abuse
Chapter 1, cont.
UNDERSTANDING AND OVERCOMING THE LEGACY OF ABUSE
Lesson 5 - Awaken your instincts
Your anger, sadness, and joy may have been punished, or at least minimized. Perhaps you were told: "You aren't sad, you're just feeling sorry for yourself." Or "Why should you be mad? There's nothing to be mad about."
Over time, invalidation of your authentic reactions may have reduced self-understanding so severely that your awareness of what you think and feel is much lower than it should be. Individuals, whose perceptions and beliefs have been repeatedly suppressed, often have diminished ability to evaluate situations and respond to them: they have learned not to trust the mind or senses.
In addition, you may believe that your presentation to the world must satisfy the opinions of others, rather than your own. This is an outgrowth of a world in which it was essential to assess the moods and attitudes of those around you, to keep peace. Now that you are an adult, this can have a destructive effect on your interactions with others. You may lack confidence in social settings, anticipate negative reactions when there is no evidence for this, and be reluctant to interact in ways that would use your abilities and provide satisfying human connections.
A truly basic problem with relying primarily on external cues, is that your life does not express your unique mark. It is fundamentally important, as you consider these lessons, to start the process of checking your own wishes and reactions, then drawing on them to make decisions and take action.
So, where do you begin?
Do you ever have the sense that something is right (or wrong), even if it contradicts convention? Do you ever feel that you know what should be done, even as you are doing things the same old way? Do you sometimes, at a subtle level, experience feelings of excitement, fear, or anxiety? These are examples of your natural insight, in embryonic form; they are perceptions that have been dormant for a long time.
Your assignment, now, is to pay attention to these small twinges, and see how they relate to what is going on, around or within you. Don't dismiss them, but notice and follow up. If your gut feel says that this is the right choice, and the consequences won't be dire, take the first step and experiment with your inner voice. You may make some mistakes, as you begin to use this unfamiliar method for directing your life, so start in a way that doesn't seem threatening. You will be learning to act on your visceral messages, which some would call your intuition. You might want, literally, to takes notes, as you begin this journey, so that you can see and understand the usefulness of this process.
Once you become more comfortable, you will place increasing trust in your uncensored, innate guidance, and discover that these decisions will nearly always be the correct ones for you. The goal is to evolve from reacting to external demands toward acting on inner direction. This emerging person will be able to process accumulated knowledge, together with personal wisdom, and reach conclusions that are well grounded. These insights and the resulting actions, usually work well, because they are rooted in sound contact with the individual, rather than what someone else demands.
Lesson 6 - Experiment with being courageous and assertive
It's not uncommon for people who have grown up with critical families to lose their courage. Courage requires familiarity with who you are and what you are trying to do. If your perceptions have been invalidated, you may no longer trust your reactions, or at least have stopped acting on them.
There may have been a time in your life, and it may continue today, when there was too much risk in disclosing your viewpoint. Perhaps you learned that you should not voice an opinion, that you don't know much, or don't deserve to ask for what you want. If each attempt at self-expression was dismissed, this became a predictable and very effective way to silence you. It could be that you absorbed this suppression so well that you lost awareness of what you wanted.
Now may be the time to experiment with this, in the presence of safe people, because knowing your convictions, and having the confidence to state them, is central to the reclamation of your life.
Assertiveness is often trained out of women, in general, and when a family is repressive, controlling, or punitive, it is likely that a child will not learn this at all. Assertiveness may be frightening to you, because of past consequences, but it is an important ingredient in achievement. An individual draws dreams and goals from his or her developing self-knowledge, and courage is required to implement them.
Another issue is the ability to understand your rights. People in your life may think that they can ask you to do anything for them. If you never learned to create boundaries, it's very possible that you will be swept into doing too much, resenting it, and not feeling strong enough to say no.
This can be intertwined with fear of rejection and anger, both of which are strong forces in abusive relationships. When someone is using power and fear against you, you become very sensitive to rebuffs, and may learn to be more solicitous than is necessary in every day interactions. Avoidance of anger is a healthy defense, when coping and surviving in a controlling environment; in more normal exchanges, you may find that it's necessary to defend your position and interests. This can, of course, lead to uncomfortable disagreements, but they lack the danger that exists in an abusive home.
As you begin to experiment with being courageous, think about something that you would really like to do, and try one step that has a good chance of working. Each small success should empower you to try other things, and gradually you will be charting your own course, following your unique interests and dreams.
This week, I will use courage to try doing_______________________________
Lesson 7 - Create a new network
A. Connect with others who have experienced similar families
Verbal and emotional abuse are insidious, particularly for someone as vulnerable as a child. There is little capacity to evaluate the truth of negative remarks, and they become woven into the child's self-concept. Often, a child accepts the toxic criticism and attitudes, and actually believes that he or she is inferior and incompetent.
It is not uncommon for people who have been blamed and shamed to assume that they are different, and that no other person or family has been like theirs.
In most cases, there is minimal opportunity to compare this family to others, except for media portrayals, which frequently distort the image of family life. This is especially difficult for those who grew up watching television shows that featured beautiful homes, parents who were ever patient with their children, family dinners, and apparently peaceful daily life. This polished and stress free picture was their main window on the outside world, and it seemed that everyone else was nurtured, while they were being emotionally and sometimes physically battered. This sets up a painful separation between "me" and "them," and creates unreachable expectations for how a family and love should be.
For some people, participation in a support group helps to dispel these beliefs, and raise self-esteem. It is a joy to watch group members listen to others, and breathe the sigh, which says, "I'm not alone." When you connect with other adults who have similar childhood memories, there is a sense of recognition, which allows the barriers of fear and shame to be broken, and illuminates the humanity and emotions that you share. Your stories and views of yourselves are comparable, and this camaraderie allows you to understand that your feelings are very human, and to reinforce this in each other. You can use this awareness to explore who you are, what families are really like, and what went wrong in yours. This new knowledge can help you to readjust your theories about yourself in relationships, as well as your expectations for spouse, partner, and children. You will discover what falls into the range of normal, and what you would like to do differently with your current or future family.
B. Seek out supportive friends
In a sense, you are attempting to create a new family, which fits your needs and theirs. In the ideal family, each person is an individual who deserves respect and freedom. There is room to be fully oneself, without shame or restriction. The others may not always like what you are doing, but they continue to care about you. There are boundaries and embraces, which nourish each member's sense of personal worth.
This is what you are hoping to give and receive within your newly created tribe. It is in these new relationships, providing they are with emotionally healthy people, where you can polish the skills of courage, trust, and self-acceptance. Here, too, is where you should receive realistic feedback that validates your strengths and assets, while offering constructive, loving criticism. This type of give and take is far removed from the poisonous degradation that damaged your self-esteem and impeded the search for who you really are.
It will take time to develop new friendships, one by one, until you have a few people who feel more like family than your natural one. You will need their honesty, warmth, and presence in order to learn about yourself and healthy interactions. Of course, you aren't the sole beneficiary. It is a reciprocal commitment: you care for each other and enhance the growth, knowledge, and enjoyment of all involved.
A brief note about lovers:
It's tempting to superimpose these expectations on a fresh romance, and believe or hope that it will have all of those wonderful qualities. However, the energy and attraction inherent in the early weeks or months of new passion may blind you to what might evolve. This is why it is so important that your needs are met in a family-like group, and why it's preferable to spend time becoming acquainted with your unique personality and needs, before plunging into commitment or marriage. Sometimes adults, who have not had their emotional needs met, yearn deeply for love, and there are pitfalls in this. Poor choices can be made, when something that seems like love appears. This can lead to a new, unhealthy relationship, which will only reinforce earlier negative feelings and perceptions about yourself.
At this time in your life, as you embark on these flying lessons, a group of understanding, compatible friends may provide greater and longer lasting kinship than a new found love. It is hoped that you will find that, as well, after you have healed a bit and discovered your values, interests, and dreams. Then, you will be infinitely more prepared to choose a long-term partner who is right for you.
Next month: Begin Chapter Two
To order Flying Lessons for Butterflies: How to free yourself from the effects of abuse:
One of our favorites from years past: December 2005:
Who Gave Santa a Partner?
Given the season we thought it might be fun to write about Mrs. Santa, but then we found that her story is really that of the poem we are featuring this month and the poet who wrote it.
Katherine Lee Bates
Born: Falmouth, August 12, 1859,
Died: Wellesley, March 28, 1929
Scholar - Patriot - Poet
Author of "America the Beautiful"
Born on Aug. 12, 1859, Katherine Lee Bates was the fifth child born to William and Cornelia Frances Lee Bates. The family had come to Falmouth in 1858. The Rev. Bates served as pastor of the First Congregational Church on the Village Green.
As noted in church records, Katharine was baptized on September 4, 1859. She was only three weeks old. Because of his illness, her father, Rev. William Bates, was unable to attend church. He was forced to discontinue his preaching the previous May. Now his arms and legs were paralyzed, and he had difficulty breathing. He could not speak above a whisper. A friend, Rev. Professor Butler of Madison University, Wisconsin came to the Bates' home to officiate at Katharine's baptism. William died on September 10, just six days after Katharine's baptism.
He is believed to have died from a tumor in his spine which may have been the result of an earlier injury. He strained his back in 1853 when, in rescuing fellow passengers from a train wreck, he was obliged to rip a seat out of the floor. "Katie" was said to have eased the pain of her mother's first years of widowhood.
At age 12, life in Falmouth ended when the family moved to Granitville, now known as Wellesley Hills. She attended Wellesley High School, graduating in 1874. In 1878, She graduated from the more advanced Newton High School. Bates then entered Wellesley College, graduating with a bachelor of arts degree in 1880 She became president of it's second graduating class and returned to teach for 40 years.
She also studied at Oxford, England, and earned a master's degree in arts from Wellesley College. Over the years, Bates took four year-long sabbaticals to travel (three of which were abroad), plus numerous shorter voyages. Countries she visited included England, Ireland, Scotland, Switzerland, France, Spain, Egypt, Palestine, and Norway. In 1916, she would be awarded the degree of Doctor of Literature from Oberlin College. A second honorary degree would be conferred, and a third from Wellesley in 1925 upon her retirement: Doctor of Laws. She had been a teacher for 45 years, one who had inspired immense affection and respect, both personally and professionally.
Author of 32 books and a large number of articles, Dr. Bates was well-traveled, gracious, witty, popular, and scholarly without being pretentious. Falmouth remained her home town, revisited nearly every year.
While on staff at Wellesley College, she met Katharine Coman and began a relationship that lasted for 25 years. Bates and Coman's relationship has been characterized as a romantic friendship. Bates referred to Coman as her "Joy of Life" and wrote many poems about their love.
Both women had successful careers at Wellesley—Bates became chair of the English department, while Coman became chair of the Economics Department and Dean of the college. They kept contact with other educated women who lived in couples as they did.
Katherine Lee Bates was the first known writer to introduce Mrs. Santa Claus to the American scene in the book Goody Santa Claus on a Sleigh Ride, published in 1889 ("Goody" was a common contraction of the day for "goodwife"). It was during that year that she had suffered from the grippe and was on convalescent leave. During that time, she wrote a large amount of children's literature and poetry. She spent 1889-1890 at Oxford. Returning, she felt that as a full professor, she should not concern herself with juvenile literature any more. The sequel to her earlier "Rose and Thorn" (1889) was abandoned. For some time, she devoted her efforts to more serious writing of articles and books, while continuing to write a large amount of poetry. By 1909, however, her position had softened, and she again included children's literature among her output. Later, she would write other poems for children about Christmas, included in Fairy Gold (New York: E. P. Dutton & Co., 1916), which also included "Goody Santa Claus." See: Poems of Christmas by Katherine Lee Bates
At the summit of Pike's Peak, Colorado in 1893 the opening lines of "America the Beautiful" floated into her mind, and gave new meaning to the spectacular view. A sculptor has portrayed the young poet at that moment. America the Beautiful first appeared in print in The Congregationalist, a weekly journal, on July 4, 1895. Professor of English Literature at Wellesley College, Dr. Bates lectured that summer at Colorado College, Colorado Springs.
She rewrote some sections, and the new version was published In The Boston Evening Transcript on Nov. 19, 1904 Perhaps the most intense criticisms centered on the word "beautiful," which some called hackneyed. But Bates refused to change that word, for she claimed it best described America. Following the 1904 publication, part of the third stanza was altered, thereafter, the poem was unchanged; Bates retained the copyright, protecting it from misprints and deliberate changes.
In 1912, Coman was diagnosed with cancer, and Bates nursed her until she died in January, 1914. In 1922, Bates published a limited volume of poetry in sonnet form entitled, Yellow Clover, A Book of Remembrance, where she wrote of their relationship, one which Jane Addams described as the kind of relationship which developed naturally in the community life of a woman's collage.
Only a few years before her death, she wrote to a friend, "So much of me died with Katharine Coman that I'm sometimes not quite sure whether I'm alive or not."
Bates remained at Wellesley until she retired in 1925. In her journal, she quoted Chesterton's lines:
Lo! I am come to autumn
Where all the leaves are gold.
In 1926, her last volume of poetry was published (in her lifetime): The Pilgrim Ship. In those final years, her life became more leisurely, more casual, and more intimate. She was still sought out by many, including the New England Poetry Club and the National Hymn Society. She continued to write, and upon request, review the works of others, described as "keen and gentle". Her last collection of verses, America the Dream, was published after her death.
She died early in the morning of March 28, 1929, at the age of 70, listening to the words of Whittier's At Last, read to her by her friend, Mrs. Guild. At Wellesley, the flag at Tower Court was lowered, and then raised to half-staff. After her death, a chair of English literature was endowed in her name at Wellesley. In her obituary, printed in Wellesley's The Townsman, Mr. Bradford wrote:
The death of Katharine Lee Bates means the passing away of one of the most notable citizens of Wellesley, one of the most important figures connected with Wellesley College, and much more than that, a considerable author and creative influence in the whole of American life.
Her ashes were buried beside her parents and her sister in Falmouth's Oak Grove Cemetery. A statue of Dr. Bates was erected in front of the Falmouth Public Library; photographs of Bates are also available at that same site, and at a page at Wellesley College.
Sources:
Dorothy Burgess, Dream and Deed: The Story of Katharine Lee Bates (Norman: University of Oklahoma Press, 1952). It contains a lengthy, but incomplete, listing of her works.
http://www.sappho.com/poetry/historical/k_bates.html
http://www.town.falmouth.ma.us/klb.html
http://www.fuzzylu.com/falmouth/bates/klbnotes.html
http://www.vsg.cape.com/~1congfal/klbates.html
http://www.christmas-treasures.com/memories_of_santa_retired.htm [Page has disappeared]
The preceding article is from HymnsandCarolsofChristmas.com where you can find all sorts of interesting Christmas information.
As always, though we can't say it enough, you will find the mother/daughter interaction on Words for the Heart and Soul worth a moment in a busy season.
Cindy Lee Berryhill, past guest on both "Live at the Edge" and "Op-Ed" at MooseMeals.com has a featured song on Top40-Charts.com-Yes, the very same "Beloved Stranger" she sang on "Live at the Edge"
Holiday fare: on "Falling Awake" with Mary Lou Sanelli and "Op-Ed" with Don Williams; DenÈ Ballantine tells us how to avoid arguments on "Train Your Brain" and Dr. Jeanette interviews Leah Guy, author of Life's a Gift - Open it on "Live at the Edge.
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From the invention of the combustion engine and Henry Ford's assembly line for the Model T to the high tech versions of today's Sport Utility Vehicles (SUVs), the evolution of transportation has been amazing. The U.S. has always had a love affair with its automobiles, including the SUV.
Many believe that the birth of the SUV began as the "depot hack." The depot hack was a vehicle that transported people (similar to today's taxi/hack) and luggage from the train stations (depots).
They were widely known as a carryalls or suburbans. Depot hacks were also believed to be responsible for the evolution of the modern station wagon and the longest running SUV model, the Suburban. Another notable "father" of the SUV is the Jeep Wagon. While the Wagoneer was introduced as a model in 1963, it was the late 1940s that brought us the Willy's Jeep Wagon. An early advertisement for the Willy's Wagon once called it a "utility vehicle" for the family.
Suburban, the Beginning of an Era
There were many makes and models that used the term "suburban." In fact, both carryall and suburban were being applied by auto manufactures in the early 1920's. The early SUV was intended to be practical and a means to carry all, both people or cargo. Throughout the decade of the 20s, 30s and 40s there were numerous automotive brands using these two words for model names, but, it was Chevy's Suburban that carried the name into the 21st century.
Rock and Roll Wagons
The 50s brought a change to the suburbans and carryalls. Many models went to a car frame instead of the truck frames used by their predecessors. Dodge listed various wood-bodied station wagons as "Suburban" or "Suburban Carryall," and "Woody Wagons" were the cool thing to have especially for the California surfers. How else would you carry the surfboards and enough gear for the weekend on the beach? Big engines and high performance were everywhere and the vehicles had plenty of room for the baby boomers to haul their large cargo of kids.
Disco "dis" way, Wagons go "datta" way
The 70's brought us disco, inflation, emissions control, high gas prices and the death of big engines and high performance. The small fuel-efficient Japanese cars and our nation's emissions policies added up to the next evolutionary step for the carryall. You know the one, the Chrysler mini-van. It was fuel efficient, front wheel drive and could carry a small family of big hair and bad 70'ish style clothes. But the mini-van saved Chrysler and helped the SUV begin its comeback to prominence.
Ronald Reagan's 80's brought us better fuel prices, lower interest rates and the need to feel sexier. Who wants to drive a mini-van that tells everyone we couldn't get the sports car because all of the kids and kids seats wouldn't fit in the latest model? With an SUV we could be the sporty, explorer, outdoor enthusiasts.
The 80's and 90's brought back the truck frame to the SUV. Ford still has engines that need at least both hands and all fingers to count your cylinders (the 10 cylinder Excursion). They're affectionately called "land barges". Some seem larger than small school buses; they're capable of carrying a soccer team in a single trip.
We Want Our Cake And Eat It Too
However, the government is getting involved and calling SUV's dangerous. The anti-SUV crowd can't be ignored either. Many claim that the SUV's are dangerous for other drivers who own smaller vehicles and that the SUV's consume too much fuel making them environmentally unfriendly. Ford actually has tried to make its SUV's play nice with other vehicles. For example, the 2000 Excursion comes equipped with a solid-steel bar (called the Blocker Beam) attached to the front of its lower frame. The device is designed to keep cars from sliding under the Excursion during a collision.
Everything Old Is New Again
It works in fashion. Why not automobiles? As fuel prices begin to rise again and the continued pressure from governmental agencies about SUV safety take their toll, could we be seeing the beginning of the next evolution of the SUV? There is more than one manufacturer that has put their version of the SUV on a car chassis (crossovers). Could this be the return of the station wagon? Only time will tell. The SUV is dead. Long live the SUV!
Why won't we give them up?
Grasping at straws we are converting the SUV to Hybrid power. In these days of nearly $4-a-gallon gasoline, a three-ton SUV that practically requires a bank loan to fill 'er up would seem to be a tough sell. Americans, however, are not turning away from these land barges. Far from it. Auto industry figures show that after a two-year slump, sales of the gas guzzlers are up over 2006, in some cases, way up.
The numbers for large SUVs rose nearly 6 % in the first quarter of 2007, and the April figures were up 25 % from April 2006, according to automakers' statistics provided by Edmunds.com, an automotive research Web site. The bigger the guzzler, the better the numbers. Sales of GMC's Yukon XL were up a huge 72 % last month, and the totals for its Chevrolet cousin, the Suburban, rose 38 %. Topping off the tank on either one can cost as much as $120.
The turnaround comes after a 24 % drop in SUV sales from the first quarter of 2004 to the same period of 2006. One explanation for the renewed interest is that U.S. automakers are selling a more modern fleet of SUVs, some of which consume moderately less gas than their predecessors. But no one will confuse them with a Prius. The fact is that no matter how bad their mileage, SUVs have become deeply embedded in many Americans' lifestyle.
"We've always said that large SUVs are never going the way of the dodo," said Alex Rosten, an analyst at Edmunds.com. "There will always be a demand for them. No other vehicle provides such capabilities, the sheer cargo and passenger space, and the towing capacity."
The adaptations that U.S. automakers made for the 2007 model year included three large crossover vehicles introduced by General Motors: the GMC Acadia, Saturn Outlook and Buick Enclave that are included in large SUV sales numbers. Crossover utility vehicles are similar to SUVs but, because their design is based on a car rather than a truck, they ride more smoothly and, in general, they have better fuel economy.
Another reason people are turning to large SUVs is that General Motors has abandoned the minivan, Rosten said. GM spokesman Jeff Holland confirmed that the company has stopped production on all of its minivans except the Chevrolet Uplander and it, too, will end its run with the 2007 model year. The vans, Holland said, are being replaced with the three crossover vehicles because they hold just as many people and get better gas mileage.
Typical SUV Owners
A typical SUV buyer is Dr. Reginald Fulford, an El Cerrito orthodontist who recently bought an old-fashioned Ford Expedition. It weighs a bit more than 6,200 pounds, is nearly 3 feet longer than a sedan and, on a good day, gets about 14 miles per gallon. He knows that to some people, especially in the greener-than-thou Bay Area, he's a pariah. Occasionally he finds that someone has left a slip of paper under his wiper blade, asking him to buy a smaller car. Actually, he has a smaller car, a 1997 Nissan Maxima, that he uses for some local runs because he knows the Expedition is a big, gas-guzzling vehicle. Nonetheless, Fulford says there are many reasons why he bought the Expedition. "I'm 6 feet 4 inches and I weigh 250 pounds, so for me, it's a comfort thing," he said. "It's a comfortable and convenient vehicle. I have a son who is 4 and a daughter who is 16, and we use the SUV to haul kids around, take them to parties. We use it to go to the mountains and we pull a water-skiing boat behind it." Fulford says he loves the car because of "all the functional aspects" of it, and his wife loves it "because of all the nice amenities," such as heated leather seats. "It would be nice if they could get this fuel thing together," Fulford said of the Expedition's comparatively miserable gas mileage. "And as a citizen of the United States, I'm concerned about global warming. It's not that I don't consider those things. We try to do as much as we can. We try not to drive that far." (It is hard not to gag over this point of view.)
Other Points Of View
At the Union of Concerned Scientists, where global warming and fuel economy are on everyone's minds, vehicles engineer and consultant Dan MacKenzie said, "The larger point of all this is the need to raise fuel economy standards in the U.S. The automakers are not selling vehicles that take full advantage of today's technology." MacKenzie said recent innovations such as "cylinder deactivation", the process by which some engine pistons don't work when they're not needed, have been helpful. But then, he said, manufacturers "came up with more powerful engines, which canceled out the improvement." "We know the technology is out there to increase fuel economy about 60 % without compromising size (of the vehicle)," MacKenzie said. "It could go from just under 25 miles per gallon, the government's average of all cars and trucks, to about 40 miles per gallon.
"Here's what I would say to a family that is in the market for a vehicle like this," MacKenzie said. "If you care about the environment, shop around. Think about what you need and choose the cleanest and most fuel-efficient vehicle you need. And write to your lawmakers and say we need higher fuel economy standards." Until those standards improve, however, it's the "big heavies," as they're sometimes called, that are out there for sale and the automakers are making deals whenever they can. Fulford said the price of his fully loaded SUV, selling near $50,000, dropped to around $40,000 when it came time to make the deal.
And dealers are not out of the woods yet when it comes to selling SUVs, at least, not in the Bay Area. In visits to several dealers in the East Bay, the Chronicle found the mood in dealer showrooms was not enthusiastic when the discussion turned to SUVs. "No one's buying them," said one sales manager, who declined to be identified publicly. At another dealership, a sales manager, when told why the reporter was there, said, "That's never been a good subject. It always comes off in the papers as negative." At Putnam Buick/GMC in Burlingame, however, co-owner Rick Corso was happy to talk about SUV sales. "If you have a large family, a small car won't get the job done," Corso said. "As long as we have some rather large families, what are the alternatives?"
So there the sit waiting for those who believe they have no choice. They argue that we should not protect us from ourselves for our own good.
SUV Accident History
New SUV fatality statistics show that over12000 people died last year in rollovers, with SUVs averaging the highest rate at nearly 62 %.
Mr. Bradsher's book, High and Mighty — SUVs: The World's Most Dangerous Vehicles and How They Got That Way has an interesting title, though I wonder if "High and Mighty" refers to SUVs or the liberal intelligentsia that often goes around this country trying to "protect us from ourselves for our own good." To justify his branding of SUVs as the modern-day Corvair, Bradsher points to accident and injury rates that show SUVs being involved in more crashes than full-size sedans or minivans.
Facts About SUVs and Safety
Vehicle rollovers kill more than 10,000 Americans every year. They are rare but deadly, occurring in fewer than 3 % of accidents but accounting for a third of vehicle occupant deaths. And the problem has been on the rise as sales of SUV's have boomed; sport utilities have higher centers of gravity than cars and are 3 times as likely to be involved in rollover deaths. SUV's have the highest rollover rate of any class of vehicles with more than 90 % of the rollovers occurring after the vehicle leaves the pavement and travels onto the shoulder, into a ditch or a ravine.
There will be an estimated 75,000 SUV rollovers in 2007, in which it's estimated 2000 people will die.
In the 10-year period during which Ford-Firestone tire related rollovers caused some 300 deaths, more than 12,000 people, 40 times as many, died in SUV rollover crashes unrelated to tire failure.
A Ford Explorer is 16 times as likely as the typical family car to kill occupants of another vehicle in a crash.
1 out of 4 new vehicles sold in the U.S. is an SUV, making it the most popular type of vehicle in America. The Ford Explorer is the most popular SUV in the world.
Summary
The results speak for themselves. Some percent of our population is focused on their safety and believe that an SUV is the best answer. They also believe that spending 1/4 the price of a house for something to haul themselves to In The STORE and back is a better decision than forcing the government to act in everyone's behalf to regulate and ultimately fix our transportation problems. Basically, it is an emotional issue and SUV owners do not tend to respond to logic.
We can hope that the price of gas and the publication of information regarding the danger these land barges pose to everyone will eventually persuade the "committed" to reconsider their choices. In the mean time keep putting notes on their windshields!
Are you tired of being lied to? The purpose of this column is to try to sort the fact from the lies in consumerism, both on and off the Internet. If you find a product or company you would like to compliment or blast, please let us know and we will talk about them here.
Gift Giving from Georgia Jones
This time of year there is a special urge to share with others and for many of us that means charitable donations. You may remember that last year I endorsed Heifer International. That organization is still my personal first choice for the annual large donation:
But there is also the daily opportunity to give, just because you sat down at your computer:
Consider the click to donate sites:
There are more of those sites and if you send us your favorites we will list them next month.
But how do you know if the charity that has appealed to you is really doing the good work they claim?
I have been seeing ads for "Feed the Children" on television. They first caught my attention a couple of months ago when the ad claimed that a large quantity of rice had been donated by Taiwan for shipment to Africa and all they needed was $10 from me (and a whole lot of other people) to pay for shipping. The need was, they said, URGENT. What a windfall for those starving, tearful children they showed on the screen, right?
Maybe, but maybe not.
I saw the same ad again the other day. Is this a regular cycle of donations? Those Taiwanese are very generous. Is it the same rice shipment, still not shipped? Sad. Or is it a scam? I decided to use that best of all possible resources to check it out.
I searched the Internet using the charity's name and found a very mixed result, until I looked closer: Reports that said good things about "Feed the Children" were all about three years old and older. The newer reports were more mixed, or downright negative. I looked up the donation of rice by the government of Taiwan and did find confirmation, in the form of an announcement, that such a donation existed. All in all, though, I had to put this charity on my questionable list.
One of the places I went to do this research was CharityWatch.org, which is part of the American Institute of Philanthropy, a nonprofit charity watchdog organization that helps donors make informed giving decisions. There are other similar organizations, but this is one with a good history.
So this year, give until it feels good, but don't waste your giving impulse on an organization that is not using your generosity well.
Share your consumer experiences with us: Send us your story and we will print it here.
...how one woman chooses to deal with what she learns
the girl in the tangerine scarf
by Mohja Kahf
ISBN 0786715197
Imagine the 1970's, near wheat fields outside of Indianapolis, a city called Simmonsville. Let your mind see the small, economically depressed town where there are streets after streets of run down homes and many middle America churches. Now throw a curve into your thinking: the Dawah Center, a group of buildings started by impoverished Arab and Indo-Pakistani graduate students to teach Indiana about the Muslim religion. This is where Mohja Kahf starts her book, the girl in the tangerine scarf</
It's Not Your Same Old Radio!
Exceptional Women are Our History and Our Future:
